that ''down'' part :(

Each time people talk about love, i would feel the isolation. Is it because of my feeling only or was it i'm the only one who feel that way? Those questions wander around my mind. Who am i to be loved? At certain extent, i feel like i'm not deserved to be love. Was it because I’m lack of my self -esteem ? Even to the critical point when i could not find any great things about me to be proud of. What is exactly that I supposed do..I mean for me to rebuild my confidence that i used to have before,

the confidence of expressing my views, my feelings and also the strength of standing up in front of audiences and giving talks in spontaneous act. Where is it gone? Those strength and confidence?

How I wish I can return back to my childhood memories .There is no worries at all, I suppose. Hanging out and having fun with my friends. How I miss those time so much. I do not feel the loss of my loved ones as I’ve never experienced it before. But, as time goes by, I’ve experienced the loss and I mean it, it’s the biggest loss ever for me. That’s the turning point for me that shaped who am I today. I think those loss and failure make me become a different person. However, I’m not sure whether the changes have brought the positive or negative sides of me.

Losing someone that you think will always be at ur sides during ur ups and down do give bigger impacts to your daily routines. As for me, I’m becoming more aware, alert and sometimes to the extent that I’ve been paranoid, especially getting surprise calls from the family or even the midnight calls as the bad news maybe at the end of the line.

The beginning of my coming age of 20, I’ve encountered with lots of trials and sorrow. Happiness may not be at my side. Losing both of my dearest grandparents , that used to be with me during my struggles, their presence make me stronger whenever there is no one else that understand my feeling, during that ‘’down’’ moment, leave deep impact to me. Whenever someone else talks about them, after the loss, I cannot deal with that sadness, holding back my tears is such a painful parts for me.